Take a Deep Breath

One of the enduring myths of America is the hardiness of the American pioneer against the odds set by attacks of hostiles, fire, flood and famine. They were immigrants, many of them, and they got bad land to work, were shoved into unspeakable ghettoes in foetid tenements, forced by circumstance to work in hazardous jobs with no union to assist them, no cry of conscience in the American press to aid them. They were (and in many cases, still are) the first to enlist, to be sent away in a bad cause, left to waste from disease and neglect, too often forgotten in anonymous graves. Still, they persevered.

And today, what are we? We are a sad collection of chickenshit babies, cringing in fear from a handful of terrorists who can barely muster enough wherewithal to attempt an attack once every decade or so. Okay, I get it, they want to kill us. But other than getting through the one time that we had a president who wouldn’t read his briefings, how have they been doing? What do we think they are: supermen with special powers? I mean, they’ve had years to get together the resources and to fine tune their plan, and what are they able to come up with? A guy with a bomb in his underwear? That’s it? What does this suggest to you?

We’ve been after them hard for over eight years now, and not just by trying to kill them. We have also been attacking their source of funds, and I would say that it has put a serious dent in their terror-making abilities. We’re not dealing with Ming the Merciless here. Large scale attacks may be beyond them now. Yet we’re still panic stricken by the thought that we’re going to try them in NYC. Like, hordes of bloodthirsty, turban wearin’ Arabs are gonna descend on the city bringing Holy War. What are we, six? New York is the perfect pace to have the trials. That’s where they did the crime, stupid! Don’t New Yorkers deserve a front row seat to the show? Fucking Yes.

And while I’m at it, you might as well know, Osama bin Laden is dead. Has been for years. Look, he was a tall motherfucker, like six foot eight or something. Don’t you think we would have spotted him by now? He was also diabetic, and on dialysis. In 2001! How long do you think you can keep that shit up? And in a cave no less? Did you know that the last verified appearance by bin Laden was in 2002? That’s right. I’m talking about really verified, with all of the major senses taking place. What we have had is an occasional tape recording where some guy at CIA says, “Yeah, that sounds like it could be him.” But since 202, we haven’t had a definitive sighting. Draw your conclusions.

In the meantime America, nut up. We can handle a few trials here (there have already been many, only without the fear radio and Republican sound machine giving accompaniment). We can ship the bad guys over here from Gitmo. I mean, has there been some heavy leaking out of maximum security prisons over the last few years of which I am somehow unaware?

Try not to get the vapors. It might help to remember the trials of our pioneer forbears, and for Christ’s sake stop embarrassing yourselves.